Hire my friend: the engineering major who’s looking to marry rich

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He is new to selling his body. Otherwise he would've taken his shirt off.

Name: Ajay

Major: B.S. in Electrical Engineering (Cornell), M.S. in Information Technology (Carnegie Mellon)

What I would have majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell:  Culinary Arts.  So I would make the perfect house husband for rich white women.  Or I should have listened to mom and become a doctor.

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education::  To impress rich white women Continue reading

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Hire my friend: the comp lit major who can say unemployed in English and French

Step one in how American kids learn French during study abroad.

Name: Gowri

Major: Comparative Literature, French and English

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Pre-med like all the other Indians

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: To earn my ticket into the upper crust intelligentsia

Current City of Residence: Denver

Ideal City of Residence: I like Denver. I love the mountains. Sometimes though, in fits of depression/hopelessness, I want to move to Paris (because everything is better in Europe)

Current job: Working at toll highway

Dream job: Inspirational speaker (this is not meant to be ironic)

Resume claim to fame: A litany of psychology/psychiatry research positions in my delusional pre-med days

Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: Killer BLT

Hire my friend: the Spanish lit major stuck in Arizona

amber

This is the wasteland known as Arizona.

Name: Amber

Major: I graduated with High Honors in Impracticality. My specific study area? Spanish Literature. And a minor in Art History, just to round out the irrelevance. I wrote a lot of really interesting research papers, shouldn’t that count for something? I like to think that I “learned to learn.”
What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: I’m not sure majors make any difference these days…I suppose if I could’ve managed triple-majoring in Engineering, Economics and Computer Science (and therefore sacrificed everything interesting about going to college), I may be in a better position. I think of more importance: I would’ve started my job search my freshman year.
Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: It seemed like a great idea somewhere along the line. I did get to meet some really amazing people!
Current City of Residence: Phoenix, AZ
Ideal City of Residence: Somewhere on the East Coast, where I actually know people. No one moves to Phoenix after graduating from an Ivy. I’m a pretty big fan of London as well. And Madrid. Actually, I love to travel, so I think I could make it work just about anywhere.
Current job: I’m employed full-time in the exciting industry of Finding a Job. That and learning financial modeling and the latest in social media. Gotta keep improving those marketable skills.
Dream job: I’m flexible. How about you tell me what you have available, and then I’ll tell you what my dream job is. In an ideal world, I’d get paid to travel, tell people about where I traveled, write about where I traveled, and find more places I want to travel to. Being the next Rick Steves would be pretty close.
Resume claim to fame: I wish we still lived in those times when your undergraduate institution WAS your claim to fame.
Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: Well I can’t really afford to be modest these days. I’m competing with several million 35 year-olds who have a laundry list of industry experience and impressive MBAs that stop me from even making it to the interview.

Hire My Friend: the double major who interned for Darren Aronofsky

Here, she can be seen practicing her alternative career options.

Name: Diane

Major: I was so ambitious I did TWO majors – and both of them in impractical fields. The first was Literature/Writing, which was fun. The second was Film Studies. Also fun. My homework mostly consisted of watching movies and writing stories, with the occasional paper thrown in (those pesky Core Requirements!).

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: I don’t know. I get bored pretty easily (hence the arts-focused career path – I need a lot of variation in my day to keep my attention). Maybe Psychology? I thought that was interesting.

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: Ummm… To be completely honest? It was the only place I got in to. I’m not kidding. I missed the deadlines for all the Canadian universities (I’m Canadian), and the lower-tiered schools wouldn’t give me any financial aid as a non-traditional (read: 23-year-old) international student, so they wouldn’t let me in. How messed up is THAT?!

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Hire My Friend: the hispanic studies major who has no interest in those financial witchdoctor positions anyway

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Here, Andrew is waving hello to future employers.

Name: Andrew

Major: Hispanic Studies/Spanish

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Somehow it was never quite imparted upon me that it takes more than wit and good intentions to make a difference about anything you care about. Or find minimum wage employment. But that’s a general lesson – it’s not like I would have been competing for those precious financial witchdoctor positions anyway. They are laden with SIN.

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: So I could spend four years being a thorn in the side of the administration while convincing my parents this was somehow part of the Russian immigrant narrative of social advancement to which they subscribed.

Current City of Residence: I live in South Philadelphia. For those unlettered in the charms of my city, its perks include being able to get a house with friends while paying in only $250/month.

Ideal City of Residence: As much as I like New York, I am glad to have the opportunity to experience life outside the megalopolis, and get some of my place-based Philly identity established, so I’m good here. But starting in March, I go away to Argentina to teach English for a year, so I will go with Salta, a small city in the northern provinces of the country.

Current job: I feared that my life had hit a new low when, out of many 30 places I had dropped off or sent resumes, the only one that got back to me was a noble establishment by the name of the International House of Pancakes. Dystopian visions of butterscotch pancakes flooded my mind. But since this time, I’ve landed a gig tutoring the son of the most famous Tibetan folk singer in the world (!) in the SAT in Brooklyn and a two week temp position doing administrative work at the Philadelphia Museum of Art (of Rocky fame).

Dream job: Speechwriter for Hugo Chavez. Failing that, Starbucks.

Resume claim to fame: I have been in the business of systematically removing anything that might stand out in my resume, to prevent myself from being viewed as “overqualified” for the menial retail positions I was applying for. But I got a prize for being the top student in the Spanish department!

Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: Mostly relationships to obscure public figures – I once got totally wasted with the former Bolivian Minister of Land Reform, I know Barack Obama’s second cousin, and my great-uncle is the vice-president of Kalmykia, a Buddhist-inspired dictatorship in southern Russia.

If you would like to hire Andrew, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.

Hire My Friend: the sociology major who dreams of becoming Ari Gold

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She has not yet developed a dangerous addiction to sushi.

Name: Amari

Major: Sociology

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Engineering… with a minor in “How to find social value in an i-banking job so you can make some mo-nay”

Why I decided to waste $160K $200K on an Ivy League education: Because I didn’t… My grants and scholarships did. ZING!

Current City of Residence: Yonkers, NY

Ideal City of Residence: Manhattan, NY… with the weather of Los Angeles, LA

Current job: Counter worker at Balthazar Bakery in SoHo.

Dream job: Ari Gold, minus the insensitivity and propensity to exercise his healthy lungs. And his love-fake-hate relationship with Asians and the gay community.

Resume claim to fame: Working amongst the publicists of too many Oscar winning actors and popular culture icons to count.

Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: I won $50,000 on an academic Apprentice-style reality show (it was much nicer, don’t worry) when I was 17.

If you would like to hire Amari, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.

Hire My Friend: the barely history major who knows how to do the Twitter

Fern

This is what new media looks like.

Name: Fern

Major: History. Barely.

What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: The same–with this economy, I’m actually relieved I studied what interested me instead of something targeted to be economically advantageous.

Why I decided to waste $160K on an Ivy League education: Obviously only so that I could meet people who would one day help me get a job in journalism. So, basically: for this very moment.

Current City of Residence: My mom’s extra room in manhattan and my boyfriend’s extra room on his bed.

Ideal City of Residence: Anywhere where my freelancer’s salary will carry me? But ideally: Williamsburg for now, London for next decade, Positano for the one after that, and then maybe back to Williamsburg.

Current job: Web intern at the Nation, aka full time fact checker on a pre-entry-level stipend. But I love it. I’m heartbroken that it has to end soon. Also, I do the Twitter. 14,000 followers, holla.

Dream job: Columnist. Anywhere.

Resume claim to fame: Best college columnist in the eyes of the Newspaper Columnist Association of America

Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: “So…um…I can do Twitter pretty well? And like, I can condense your info into bits and optimize readership? But um? Twitter…is lame? But also really crucial to how we digest news these days? But you know. Everyone can do it. But not as well as me. Am I still talking?”

If you would like to hire Fern, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.

Hire My Friend: the english major who is actually wicked good at Excel

Every week, I bribe my friends to sell themselves on this blog.

Looking for patron.

Looking for a patron.

Name: Sam

Major: English

What I would have majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: English. I never really wanted to be employable.  The recession just helped out.

Why I decided to waste $160K on an Ivy League education: I think it was more than that…

Current City of Residence: Oh man… This is the hardest question on the test.  I actually don’t have a residence right now. [Editor’s note: Sam is not homeless. Last I heard, he has embarked on a colossal road trip!]
Ideal City of Residence: New York
Current job: Writing cover letters.
Dream job: I would love to have a patron.
Resume claim to fame: I’m actually wicked good at Excel unlike all you goddamn liars.
Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: I once was ranked the 37th best Tetris player in New York City.
If you would like to be Sam’s patron, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.

Hire My Friend: the double major who has nightmares about living in Brooklyn

Every week, I bribe my friends to sell themselves on this blog.

She always looks this smart, I swear.

Here, she can be seen scolding the economy.

Name: Sierra
Major: Eh hem, Double Major: English and Russian
What I would’ve majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Pre-Med, so when I was stuck without health insurance I wouldn’t be so darn scared.
Why I decided to waste $160K on an Ivy League education: I am an epicurean; those four years were the most pleasurable of my life.
Current City of Residence: Brooklyn.  I had a dream in August, before I made the move from Manhattan to the borough, and in this dream I heard a knock at the door.  Before I could answer, a burglar kicked down the door and began chasing me around the apartment.  Honestly, I don’t know how he could chase me around anything because my place is a studio and two steps radially in any direction would have put us into unpleasant contact.  I fought well, grabbed my cell phone, and barricaded myself in the bathroom.  Shaking, I dialed 911 and the operator answered, “911, What is your emergency?”  The burglar was maniacally hacking at the door with a magical ax.  I shouted into the phone, “Help; I’m in Brooklyn!”
Ideal City of Residence: Manhattan
Current job: Director of Press Communications for a NYS Assemblyman.  In theory this job might be cool, but I studied Russian in college and the only Eastern Europeans in my dude’s district are Poles.
Dream job: Book Reader, World Traveler, Music Maker, Good Cook.  Or the Program Assistant for Scholarship Programs at the Open Society Institute.  But hey, I haven’t heard back and already expect the worst.
Resume claim to fame: I just can’t brag right now.  What is the good of an excellent resume when all entry level jobs are going to 30 year olds?
Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about on interviews: I avoided getting summer jobs after junior and senior year of college by going to Russia on a scholarship from the State Department!
If you would like to sponsor Sierra’s epicurean lifestyle, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.

Hire My Friend: the film studies major who absolutely lives for quality customer service

Every week, I bribe my friends to sell themselves on this blog.
This is the tear of the unemployed.

This is the tear of the unemployed.

Name: David

Major: Film Studies. If you ever found yourself questioning how other people could possibly be sleeping and relaxed during finals… I was the answer.

What I would have majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Unfortunately, I’m one of those twisted people who knows exactly what they want to do in life, and no psychic epiphany could have lead me down another academic path.

Why I decided to waste $160K on an Ivy League education: Because I had $160K in my pocket (I was going through a parachute pants phase, at the time), and it was either I buy myself an Ivy League education or a LOT of pairs of parachute pants. I’m still questioning the decision.

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Hire My Friend: the english major who prefers Plato to Paralegal

Introducing a new weekly column in which I bribe my friends to sell themselves on this blog.

"But what is the cave allegory about anyway?"

"But what is the cave allegory about anyway?"

Name: Ian

Major: English and comparative literature (with honors… which makes the situation somehow more pathetic).

What I would have majored in 4 years ago had I known the economy was going to hell: Alchemy.
Why I decided to waste $160K on an Ivy League education: Social climbing and financial aid.
Current City of Residence: For the next two weeks, Brooklyn.
Ideal City of Residence: For the subsequent seven months, Seattle.
Current job: Triple threat: freelance essay editor/aspiring tutor/overeager applicant to Ph.D. programs in English.
Dream job: “And seek for truth in the groves of Academe.” -Horace, Epistles bk. 2, no. 2, l. 45
Resume claim to fame: I quit a paralegal job after a month, despite everything, so my situation is of my own making. (And I’ve learned that impulsive idealism only works out in Nora Ephron movies.)
Greatest achievement I don’t like to talk about in interviews: Being the first to fill out this survey. It’s sort of like that song by Morrissey.
If you would like to hire Ian, send us a pleading email.
If you would like to be featured in the weekly Hire My Friend column or know someone who would, holla.